sorry.

sorry my dear followers that i haven’t really been keeping up with all this blogging recently. i can feel my life spiralling into this messy jumble of teenage fuck ups and confusion.

i’m not going to lie, it’s the drugs. alf has always been so lovely to me. so perfect, so genuine, so understanding, so incredibly accepting, in the early days we’d used to enjoy a spliff together..well we still do. but he neever really wanted me to get into all this other crap i’m taking at the moment. all i can think about is my next high, that mindless euphoria of the black out, god i know it’s so so wrong. this time last year it all seemed so under control, like i thought i could handle the ‘hard’ stuff. we all did, laya, fi, charlie, george, luce….we thought it was all so amazing snorting and smoking and huffing, we thought we were above addiction. that only depressed, sad, poor or lonely people could become addicted. so fucking stupid. we were fucking idiotic fifteen year olds with too much money and time.

alf is such a beautiful, incredible person. he was he only one who knew his limits. he knew to stop, he asked me to stop. i’m so scared that my behaviour will force him away, that he won’t be able to take it anymore…find someone a million times better than me. which is what he really deserves. i don’t know, well yes actually i do know. i love him. and i so scared i’ll tip off the edge without him. oh god.

i’m desperate for a way out of this situation. school is beginning to notice, they’ve taken away my weekend pass, and they search mine and laya’s room twice a week. the only time i’m not thinking about this horrible horrible situation is when i’m with alf….and i’m terrified, more terrified than i’ve ever been in my whole life, that i’m going to loose that one thing in my life.